Dow soars on news of missing "Balloon Boy"

Dow tracks Balloon Boy's altitude.

After closing above the 10,000 barrier on Oct 14 for the first time in almost a year, the Dow continued to soar Thursday Oct 15th on the news of missing "Balloon Boy", 6-year-old Falcon Heene. The Dow opened sluggishly on Thursday, but news of Heene's disappearance had day-traders queuing up to get into the market while less sophisticated investors were distracted from profit-taking.

A market insider spoke under the condition of anonymity: "Using triangulation and some sophisticated calculations we were able to gauge "Balloon Boy's" precise altitude, which then translated tic for tic our market conditions. I wish I could thank him with a wagon full of blow or chocolate or hookers. I'm so glad that he didn't crash before the bell."

Shilo Goldschlong of Goldschlong & Goldschlong Investment Group, Inc. explains: "We had been looking for some sort of sign of the Dow's next move after breaking 10K on Wednesday, and we found it. 'Balloon Boy' was just the forecasting tool we were looking for." Goldschlong joked, "If he weren't only 6-years old, I'd get him a penicillin shot and his choice of hookers... hell, I'd give him the old reach-around myself."

With "Balloon Boy" safe on the ground, the market was melancholic today, peaking above 10,000 shortly only to close at 9995 for the week.